The Book of Ents
The Book of Ents tells of Bruce's divinity, of how the Ents Crew came into being, and their story of development.
It is split into parts, of which only the original, labelled here as GEntesis but more commonly known by its proper title The Book of Ents, and the second Entsodus have been written.
They are included below.
Written by Joshua Muggleton and Luke Hodgman
In the beginning, there was The Bruce. And The Bruce created the bubble, and it was good. Yet The Bruce wasn’t satisfied, so populated the Bubble with OAPs and Students. With nothing for the students to do, The Bruce then created the Union – and it was shoddy. Then The Bruce said “let there be light”, and thus was created the Enigma, and it was bad. The Bruce, dissatisfied with the Enigma, created the Pearl, and it did not work – so The Bruce gave up and moved on. The lack of noise deeply concerned The Bruce, and thus was created the Allen and Heath that played ear-splitting music. With nobody to operate the sound and lights, The Bruce created the Ents crew in his image – and it was good (for a while). The Bruce then made a temple for his Ents disciples, and named it “Venue 1”, and the Ents crew rejoiced. Unfortunately, The Bruce forgot to feed his creations, and they soon started to perish, so The Bruce created the Tesco, and filled it with food and grumpy staff, and it was expensive.
In order to test his creations, The Bruce said unto his Ents “create unto me a bi-weekly event with the holy cheese”. The Ents listened, and thus the bop was born, and many a punter came (to begin with). Then The Bruce said unto his punters “drink ye not too much of the sweet alcoholic nectar;” yet the students did not listen, and became drunk and randy – this deeply annoyed The Bruce. The Bruce in desperate need of a solution created the Porters to guard the gateway to the union and the Mandy to rule over them – and it was good.
One day, an Ent played non-cheesy music at the holy bop – this sacriledge displeased The Bruce. The Bruce’s wrath knew no bounds; so great was The Bruce’s anger that he created the University, in which all students must toil in useless labour. To those who did not the useless labour, he said “thou hath displeased me, and you must survive without the Union until thine toil is complete” – many did not survive.
Soon the punters beseeched The Bruce to create more events, but The Bruce could not be bothered with such trivial things, and thus gave his first child to rule as Director of Events and Services – and it was pimp. The Director of Events and Services ruled over the Ents, and they created many an event. Yet the Director of Events and Services grew lonely on the first floor, and prayed to The Bruce “will not thou giveth unto me others to rule by my side?”. The Bruce heard the Director of Events and Services plea, and sent him 3 siblings to rule with.
Time passed, and The Bruce became deeply concerned. The Ents crew failed to minute their meetings, and had no structure. The Bruce appeared in a vision to the Ents crew, and said “Build me a committee with one member who will minute every meeting, one member who will keep cheese playing at the bops, two technical spods who will get blamed when things go wrong, and a first year bitch so thine image will not be one of a complete lemon”. The crew heeded The Bruce’s word, and built him a mighty committee.
Years past, and The Bruce saw his world was lawless. So he said unto the Ents officer to meet him atop of St Rules tower. The ents officer went, and Bruce gave him Lecky tape and Sharpies with which to write down his commandments
- Thou shalt not fuck with the Bop
- Thou shalt not Volunteer
- Thou shalt not fail thy degree
- Thou shalt not play music after the bar closes
- Thou shalt respect minimal health and safety regulations
- Thou shalt never read the Manual unless you have to
- Thou shalt not drink on stage (when people are looking)
- Thou shalt worship no member of staff but me
- Thou shalt be faithful to the union in all of its doings
- Thou shalt be deeply concerned
The Ents officer descended St Rules tower and proclaimed unto his ents “I have the word of The Bruce. Live by it and we shall never know the wrath of The Bruce”, And the Ents rejoiced.
But the Ents were untrained and unskilled, and made frequent fuckups. Thus The Bruce took corporeal form, came to the Union, and prevented many a fuckup. To this day, The Bruce still resides in the Union, and returns to the heavens only when he “goes to his field”. The Bruce’s children were undisciplined, and could not be bothered with remaining corporeal, and thus their spirits now enters every sabbatical officer elected, and they work wondrous things though them (when they can be bothered). The Sacred Order of the Ents still worship in Venue 1, but while as they were once considered priests which could speak to The Bruce, they are now ridiculed as “those sad people who do the bop”, and often chose to worship in the spurious holy place of Venue 2. Yet they still toil in the hope of earning The Bruce’s favour, bestowed upon them with a holy Bruce name.
This is the word of the The Bruce, Thanks be to The Bruce
Bops passed, and the Ents multiplied on stage. In time, the Bruce also created a General Manager to watch over his Union while he “returned to his field”. But The General Manager was not pure like the Ents, and he created many a Health and Safety Form. The General Manager grew scared of the Ents’ vast numbers, and feared that his Union would become run by students. Fearing for his Union, The General Manager enslaved the Ents, forcing them to do academic work, subsist on food from Beatons and vending machines, and worst of all, be punters at events. Meanwhile, The General Manager tried to build himself a mighty disco, which was fully automated, requiring no technical knowledge to run it. This deeply concerned the Bruce, and resulted in many holy profanities.
From amongst the enslaved Ents, a leader emerged, Niall. Niall was the most devoted disciple of The Bruce, and prayed nightly to The Bruce. One night, when Niall was working late, and The Bruce spoke to Niall over the tannoy, and said unto him “Rise up against the General Manager, and lead your Crew to the land of plenty, where new kit will be abundant, and sleep would be rare”. Niall, faithful to the Bruce, journeyed to find the General Managers lair. There, surrounded by health and safety forms, he showed no fear. He beseeched to the General Manager to free the Ents Crew, letting them travel to a land where they can tech freely, according to their own Health and Safety regulations (or lack there of). The General Manager was so enraged that, fearing a revolt of the Ents, he closed Beatons.
Niall traveled to the highest point in the Temple, and sat on the octagon. There he prayed to the Bruce. During one bop, he heard the word of the Bruce over the PA. The Bruce spoke unto Niall, “Go back to the General Manager, for I will be with you – my office is just across the hall”. Niall returned to the General Managers office, and carried with him his Matric card. There, he commanded the General Manager to let his Ents Crew go. When the General Manager refused to let the Ents Crew go, Niall threw his Matric card to the floor, and though the power of the Bruce, it turned into an Ents Pass. The General Manager was terrified, yet he refused to free the Ents Crew.
The Bruce sent unto the General Manager a plague of rats, which infested the bar and the Venue, coming out to frighten the punters. The rats climbed up the legs of the security guards to bite them, resulting in many a Yah being let into the Union. The Niall then went to The General Manager, and said unto Him, “Let my Ents Crew go” The General Manager refused.
The Bruce sent unto the General Manager a plague of Blood. And for a week, whenever a pint of Tennents was poured from the bar, it turned into blood. Unfortunately, this did not work, as the blood tasted better than Tennents. Niall, undeterred by this setback said unto the General Manager, “Let my Ents Crew go”. The General Manager refused.
The Bruce then sent a plague of disease, causing all staff to go off sick. The General Manager worked behind the bar, serving many a punter for 7 days and 7 nights. The General Manager, unlike the Ents had not experienced sleepless nights, and he suffered greatly. At the end of his 168 hour shift, Niall said unto the General Manager “Let my Ents Crew go”. The General Manager refused.
The Bruce then sent a snowstorm to the bubble. The 60s heating system in the Union could not cope with temperatures lower than 10 degrees, and thus the temperature in the Union plummeted. Tennents froze in the tap, the Lights would not strike, and many punters tongue got stuck to the trussing. Niall went unto the General Manager, and said unto him, “Let my Ents Crew go”. The General Manager refused.
Finally, the Bruce unleashed his worst plague on the Union. He sent unto the General Manager the KK, who did Christmas pantomime until the stomachs of all who entered the venue emptied, and the black drapes were filled with rotten tomatoes, milk turning into cheese, and a decaying chicken. This was too much for the General Manager to bear, and he sought out Niall, and said, “You may go”.
The Ents Crew rejoiced. And the Niall led the Crew in a week of Bop-Like events, with many a shiny hire, and many a punter came. The General Manager was angered by the complexity of the events, and on the Friday night, snuck unto the holy temple, and tried to enslave the Ents again. Niall heard of the General Manager’s plan, and prayed to the Bruce. Niall then ripped the Ents Pass from his breast, and held it high. Though the power of the Bruce, he parted the sea of punters, and led his Crew to freedom, and to the promised land. The General Manager followed, but he did not have the power of the Bruce. As the last ent left the sea of punters, they swarmed in on the general manager and tried to dance with him. This resulted in much bop juice being spilt on the general manager, and he did pull. Niall headed to the West sands, and there did have a bonfire, and much “missing” booze was drunk.
In the morning, Niall felt the hand of The Bruce on his shoulder - so he turned around. The Bruce told Niall that the Crew must wander the earth for 4 months, before they could tech again. This caused much despair for the Ents Crew.
Over the next four months, the Crew wandered. Many of the older Crew did not survive, and succumbed to “the real world” and got jobs. Others attempted to worship false gods, by teching in other venues. Some survived by playing Flight case Curling, or Gaffa Ball, attempting to bring some level of techieness back to their lives. Many did not survive.
After what seemed like years, the Ents Crew reached the Promised Land, known as “Freshers’ Week”. Awaiting them were many shiny new pieces of equipment, fresh supplies of lecki tape, and hundreds of freshers waiting to get lashed. The Ents did not sleep, and ate only of the Beatons and the Empire, and rigged to their hearts’ content. For they had been faithful to the Bruce, and he had delivered them to the promised land.
This is the word of The Bruce, Thanks be to The Bruce